Our most emotional episode yet! This week comprises Part One of our conversation with Sarah (a.k.a. Mini), a thoughtful student of psychoanalysis and film. Sarah has worked at a major movie studio and prior to that, as a dating coach for men in London. She joins us today for a deep discussion of the psychological reasons men (and women) say they’re “too busy” for a relationship. We discuss how each of us shapes our own identity, and how that identity can often be wishful thinking or downright wrong, costing us precious time, money and real connection. Sarah explains how obsessive goals often reveal our deepest, most devastating fears. Peter and Paul confess some of their fears through misty eyes. We then move on to feminism and equality, opening with the following thought experiment: take a 21-year-old male student in a big city who’s broke and hoping to date. Take an attractive woman and put her in the same situation, broke and hoping to date. Who has more options? From experience, Peter, Paul and Sarah agree that the woman can have a vast and varied range of opportunities funded by men (ex. dinners, theater, opera, travel, shopping, ice skating, movies, etc.), whereas the man will have a hard time of it, often suffering from profound feelings of inadequacy. If things are truly equal, why is this so? Sarah and the men discuss.

  • Again, great topics and discussion.

    I think the perspective you’re taking re: relationships being the end goal for every single man & woman and anyone that isn’t doing that is avoiding it is not accurate.

    If someone doesn’t want to then it’s no different than not wanting to go shopping today. I’m not avoiding it, I just don’t want to go. I can see the angle you’re taking though where some people are not doing it because they’re scared of being hurt which is a problem and they should figure out how to conquer that and have the relationship they want. Masking it with “I’m too busy to date but I’d love to” is not a good way to live.

    Personally, I’ve spent many years playing the game and did quite well (as Paul can vouch, haha!) and then I started getting into business. It’s not that I started to not have time to date and wished I could, it was more weighing out the options and what is better for my life.

    I basically said to myself, let’s put a true value on dating. Using time/energy/money as the 3 resources at stake and laying it out in a spreadsheet, it became clear that if I dedicated those 3 resources more towards business instead of women and partying I can expect exponential growth in business, and that’s exactly what happened.

    The return on investment (ROI) in business is a repeating reward that grows as the business grows with basically the same investment of time/energy/money everyday whereas the return on investment becomes more and more costly as time goes on in a relationship with the same 3 resources. Not only on the first date, but think of the entire dating career, the engagement expenses, wedding expenses, children expenses, housing expenses, car expenses etc.

    For me, at this time in my life I get a lot more reward out of seeing my business grow and helping people around the world with the services I offer.

    During this transition of my priorities when I had the option to go out with a woman the deciding thoughts that came to mind were:

    1. I can go out and spend a few hours getting to know a woman OR stay home and do something that will benefit my business or myself in the same time frame. (TIME)

    a – if I go out she might be really cool, and if she is, she will require more of my time.

    b – the activities I do staying home will mean the business is better prepared to help more people and continue to grow and run more efficiently, saving time.

    2. I can go out for some drinks or food which is expected in society and normal OR stay home and cook myself or grab a bite somewhere and not spend $100 – $200 when you add up cabs, food, drinks, other in Toronto. (MONEY)

    a – I’ve had a couple of drinks, ate some food, in the company of a beautiful woman; I am in a temporary feel good state. If we hit it off this will happen many more times and will typically grow in extravagance each time it happens, theaters, shows, trips, fancy dinners etc. Not to mention the cost of marriage/kids/houses/cars etc. required if we really hit it off.

    b – I still have $100 – $200 in my pocket, no other risks of costs in the future.

    3. I can go out with this woman, which typically requires a few hours during the evening. If we’re having a decent time it will go later, past my usual bed time OR do my own thing and go to bed at a regular time that allows me to get a good nights sleep and be fully charged for the next day to tackle business opportunities. (ENERGY)

    a – there are 2 outcomes here:
    i – go home late and not get much sleep/need too sleep in the next day/miss business and personal things that need to be done in the morning.
    ii – have sex/stay up later/tired the next day – this negative could be positive if the sex was great and we will see each other again but will increasingly require more energy to do so.

    b – I’ve done what I needed to do, and I’m in bed at a usual time. No regrets the next day.

    Basically the ROI became so obviously more beneficial by taking a break from dating and focusing on business for the single reason that it will greatly benefit my life in the years to come. Taking the other road meant to me a lot of high costs in all 3 areas for years to come, especially at my age, 35. It’s not something I want to tackle right now or ever. I admire the people that do!

  • I loved the podcast is was raw and full of honesty which I love. I thought all you guys did a great job just sharing your fears which is something people need to do more these days. We can heal people just by speaking the truth.

    Looking forward to more episodes.

    Johnny
    x

  • Eric

    Really deep and entertaining show, loved it. Sarah brought a different angle on a lot of topics which was apt. On another note, you guys really need to work on the audio or get a better mic. The sound goes from almost inaudible to booming. It’s gotten a bit better but still has room for improvement.

  • You’re so cool! I do not believe I have read through something like this before. So wonderful to find somebody with genuine thoughts on this issue. Really.. thank you for starting this up. This web site is something that’s needed on the web, someone with some originality!|

  • JR

    Great episode, learned new things each time I’ve re-listened!

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